Define
by Photogenic
Summary: Todd has been observing all of Dirk's weird habits but nothing like nail-biting or hair-twirling. Dirk's habit is nude photography... and then some. Todd just has to put up with it as Dirk's trusty (one-sided feeling) assisfriend.
1. Chapter 1

One: Bonding Experiments

This contains an unhealthy dose of suggestive adult themes. Reader's discretion is advised.

* * *

It was creepy and all Dirk did was stand there, staring at his back. He could feel it.

"Well?"

"What do you mean 'well'? This is disturbing as hell."

"I thought you'd say that... or something like that," Dirk said and fumbled with his jacket before taking out a pair of sunglasses, green and striped with white. he placed them over his eyes and smiled, seemingly proud, "So, I got this."

Todd snorted. "That doesn't help."

"Help what?"

"The-" Todd sighed and turned back to the subject, "Never mind."

Dirk shrugged and stood there, still. Todd walked over to part of the wall and swallowed, knowing he should've been grossed out completely but he just couldn't find the care for it. The Polaroids all had different people but all pictures had the same theme in an almost constant, lewd manner. He turned back around and nearly yelled when Dirk stood just a foot behind him, who somehow found his way behind Todd, so silently. Todd shook his head and stared at Dirk.

"How many?"

"Only 46," Dirk answered with a certain whine that Todd noticed the man couldn't help but add with almost everything he said; habit eight, Todd counted.

"ONLY?" Todd asked in disbelief that quickly faded when he turned back around to look at Dirk's wall. "Holy shit, Dirk."

"I don't think so. I think they're quite terrific," Dirk replied, looking at what he probably thought was a masterpiece that Todd only saw as complete insanity.

"How many were still alive?"

"45."

"...What happened to the one?"

"Well..."

Dirk's lack of answer and substituted pause gave Todd a shiver.

"Forget it." Todd turned to the door and almost passed Dirk when the taller body blocked his way. Todd looked up to find Dirk with his normal, cheery face.

Though the grave voice of, "I didn't tell you to leave yet," constricted Todd of moving at all.

After a pause, Dirk smiled and patted Todd's shoulder. "I'm only joking. Let's grab a bite to eat and figure out this case." He smiled wider and turned to the apartment door, already making his way out of there.

Todd gave one last quick glance inside the red room before catching up to Dirk's yellow back. This was by far the weirdest habit Dirk has ever shown him.

"Nine," he said under his breathe.

* * *

"What are you?" Todd asked cautiously.

"A detective."

"Yeah. You keep saying that but what the hell is up with that... THING I just saw?"

Dirk stopped on the sidewalk, just five steps away from his corvette. "Well, Todd, I am a detective," Dirk paused and Todd just shook his head, more confused, "but... I was... am... still am... aaaaa... detective. In this way, I can keep track of the cases I've had or encountered. Which is many. Ish. Partly. Few."

Todd's eyebrows raised and his mouth formed a thin line. He knew that Dirk wouldn't exactly answer his questions the way he'd like, or anyone would like Dirk to so Todd sighed before asking something easier... kind of, "Who are you doing those things for?"

"No no no no no no no. I don't work for anyone... exactly," Dirk fiddled with nothing in his fingers as he continued, "I work for the universe, Todd. The universe tells me what to do. I simply just... detect." Dirk got into the driver's side and Todd reluctantly followed. "I'm a holistic detective. I thought you knew."

"I do but... you can't help the thing?"

"I mean, I CAN help it. It's simply because the people I come across in my cases are..." Dirk thinks and turns the key of the expensive car, "Unavoidable. Besides, I never meet the wrong person."

"So, you can't help it?" Todd rests his case.

Dirk pursed his thin lips together and looked at Todd with that downward tilt of his head; habit 10, precisely unless habit 5 counts as the same thing. "Yes, Todd," He gave in, "That is why it's called a habit, I believe."

Todd didn't even nod in understanding. He just sat there, bracing himself for Dirk's horrible driving, figured as habit 2.

Honestly, Todd didn't exactly want to do this but Dirk complained and complained about how much he didn't really bond with his assisfriend and how it was such a horrible thing to do, on his part. Also, having Dirk as is 'boss,' it was quite inevitable that he'd have to do what he says: "Why don't you count my habits or quirks. It adds to the value of our friendship and how much you really know me, Todd." Besides, Todd's already a true believer of this 'universe' thing; being part of this agency, he had to be.

Once they'd arrived in a nearby fast food restaurant, Todd rushed out of the car and held his hands up, receiving a raised brow from Dirk. "What are you doing?" Dirk asked.

"I'm someone that's been relevant to this case, right?"

Dirk nodded, still seeming confused of what Todd was getting at.

"So... how come you haven't done any... THING to me yet?"

Dirk raised both eyebrows and thought about it. He walked around the car towards Todd who alertly backed up with every step which he later found embarrassing because Dirk was just going inside the restaurant. "I believe you're right Todd. That is unlikely of me. I guess that's one reason why you're a special case."

Todd turned slightly red, not knowing if that was a compliment or an insult hidden as a compliment. In all honesty, to someone like Dirk, it could've been both.

* * *

"Why didn't we just eat inside?" Todd finally asked.

"Did you want to watch me more aggressively than gently, push someone against a wall, closest one, nearby,and rip their clothes off, also quite aggressively, if there were an unavoidable person, as I explained, inside?" Dirk answered after swallowing, completely unaltered by that descriptiveness.

Todd stopped chewing and shook his head. Dirk smiled, satisfied by the reaction, and kept eating as he scanned the streets while in the corvette. Which was now a bright red because the blue one was lost somewhere but Dirk insisted that the Corvette was a trademark in their lives that they couldn't quite leave out yet.

Dirk's scraping plastic fork silenced after tons of scratching and Todd looked to his left. "What is it?" He asked, picking out sausages from the fried rice.

"If I left for an hour or two, would you still be here?" Dirk asked, his hand already on the handle of the door. Todd stared at Dirk before looking outside to see who has caught Dirk's universal radar. He spotted a young man, early twenties, walking down the sidewalk with heavy groceries, and distinctive red hair that most definitely would catch Dirk's eye. It almost made Todd jealous but Dirk wouldn't even care; it's his universal, 'can't help it' thing.

Todd nodded and Dirk smiled, gratefully as he slammed the door closed in which Todd locked right away as Todd's eyes watched Dirk come up to the boy and help with the weight.

The man left in the car sighed and closed the Styrofoam package of sweet and sour pork that Dirk left behind on his seat despite having a complete revelation on how sweet AND sour could be ingeniously combined. Todd laughed quietly and clambered over the bucket seat and plopped onto the back, laying down. He kept the take-out on his passenger seat at the front, cooling and uneaten.

Todd thanked for the shaded windows as he slowly extended his arm and traced his fingers against the low roof of the corvette, sleepily waiting. It's already been half an hour, he saw on the clock.

He wondered, wishing his mind just wouldn't, about how good of a time Dirk was having right now. He thought about how Dirk told him that he didn't have sex with him and used his 'habit' because he was 'a special case' and all Todd thought of was how wonderful Dirk's long lashes would feel against his cheeks. "...That's not fair, Dirk."

Todd closed shut his sight and placed his forearm over his ocean eyes, willing himself to sleep. He thought about how the hell his life turned out like this because of one completely atypical person. "Not fair at all."

* * *

 **Notes:**

I sincerely hope you enjoyed that. First fanfic and all, it's kind of reassuring to know that I don't have to please everyone. But now I'll have to at least try.

Bear with me and read. Thank you.

Also, please do not mind the part where Dirk explains his job again. Todd asked what he was "again" because he now had a different perspective on Dirk because of the discovery of his habit and so Dirk simply answered.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: False Replies  


* * *

"Todd?"

A groan but he couldn't tell if it was his or not.

"Toooooooooodd?"

It was a sing-song voice and it was almost impossible to ignore it now because Todd knew that the voice's pitch was only going to get higher. He learned that the hard way.

"What?" His voice came out like a dying cat so he cleared his throat but couldn't get the raspy, scratchiness of it, out. "What is it?"

"Well, I'm back."

Todd carefully opened a straining eye, the light of the car too bright for his ironically intense blue eyes. He slowly got up from the uncomfortable but heated leather seat and found his eye searching for yellow. When he couldn't find it, he grew slightly alarmed like a person with impaired eyesight waking up in the morning and not being able to find their glasses. Sitting up, Todd slipped his feet off the seat and on to the clean floor. "Who are you?" Todd asked, a crack in his voice before clearing it again.

"It's Dirk Gently, silly."

He ignored the slur in Dirk's voice and instead focused on the rustling of... something. He rubbed his eyes hard enough and blinked a couple stinging flashes away. He noticed something that was odd as he looked at Dirk who was smiling at him in the driver's seat.

"Where's your jacket?"

The wide smile on Dirk's face slowly faded. "Oh." He looked down. "That's what I forgot. Stupid, stupid! Dumb Dirk always forgetting things."

Todd cracked a small, sleepy smile. "Like clockwork."

Dirk looked up at Todd and for a minute Todd could see a spark of something unnamed within Dirk's deep eyes of endless blue until Dirk turned toward the passenger seat beside him and patted it twice. "Come sit here, Todd. Friends should not be separated like this."

Todd sighed; his body really didn't want to but Dirk's soft grin had always taken advantage of the situation. He leaned forward and pressed hsi cheek into the back of the seat to reach down to pull the lever. He moves his face aside as the seat lowers and he climbs over, pulling the lever along with him as he sits on the seat properly. Dirk started the car as soon as the sound of their seat belts clicked.

Zooming down the road, Todd nearly fell asleep, used to the horrendous speeds by now but Dirk wasn't singing along to the Katy Perry song. Todd looked to Dirk's side who was staring straight ahead where the streetlights made the concrete road.

"How was it?"

"Fantastic."

Todd looked to the road ahead of them. "Really?" He said with a yawn, just to keep the conversation going.

"Yes."

"What was the situation this time?"

"A shower."

"Yeah? How?"

"I accidentally, as you know, as a matter of fact, was not, spilled my entire cup of tea on his head."

Todd chuckled and shook his head. Dirk always knew how to make a screw-up seem inconvenient enough for his endless convenience. They continued to drive and Todd raised a brow halfway down a main road. "We're not headed to the guy's house?"

"No. I believe that a jacket is far from enough reason to interrupt your sleep."

Todd's cheeks blushed just to make sure that he, himself, didn't. It shouldn't have made his cheeks blush; it was a simple and reasonable reason.

"Wow. What a hypocrite."

Dirk raised his brows and turned his head swiftly to Todd. "Pardon me?" Dirk said, offended.

"Well," Todd looked back with a little shrug of his shoulder, "you are the very reason why I wake up at 6:45 am now instead of 11."

"...Is that a good thing?" Dirk asked turning back to the road.

"Absolutely not." Todd turned back to the front as well but something small and adoring crawled up onto their faces; a smile.

* * *

"I call-"

"Bed."

"Nooooooooo," Dirk whined.

"I said it first."

"Well, I was in the process of saying it before you did so, I believe it is only fair for me to get the-"

Todd flopped himself on the bed, barely bouncing but doing so. Dirk whined again, "That is not fair!"

"Well, this is my house."

Dirk shut his mouth and, whilst pouting, thought about it. When he came to his conclusion, an unfortunate one for Dirk, Dirk plopped his front side on the sofa with a groan. "You're a terrible assistant. Friend. Assis-friend!"

Todd smiled and shook his head. "Where'd you put the Chinese?"

"Counter," Dirk mumbled through the pillow on the sofa.

Todd reluctantly got up and opened the fridge to stuff it inside. "Don't eat it. I'm saving the food for Amanda."

Dirk sat up from the sofa, eyes wide, staring, and searching for confirmation in Todd's eyes. Even though he's hiding it, Todd can see the slight fear in the detective's eyes. "Is she coming alone?" He asked, weirdly and cautiously.

"She never does, Dirk," Todd replied into the fridge just before he closed it.

"I thought you didn't like them either," He spilled the beans that Todd already knew about.

"Not until they started to indirectly cure my sister."

Dirk tilted his head and fell back onto the sofa with a soft thump. Todd walked towards the bed, scratching his arm. "Go to sleep, Dirk. It's like-" He looked up at his clock, cracked but readable, "2 am."

"Nothing good ever happens after midnight."

Todd turned his head to look at the Brit, not knowing if he should agree, disagree, or just be plain confused because that was completely random. He remembered how more open and stronger Dirk's chest looked just because he left his bright jacket behind as a result of his sleepy and hazy mind. He also remembered how Dirk slipped on the stairs just so Todd could kindly try to help him up as a result of the shorter man being pulled down so that Dirk could get a head start to the apartment.

Todd could've said he disagreed. He could've said why he disagreed. He could've but he didn't because Todd couldn't... shouldn't.

"Todd?"

"Yeah," Todd spoke climbing on the messy white sheets of his bed, "I agree."

Dirk hummed, satisfied but Todd knew that something else was coming. He tried to put his two pillows over his ears but he could still hear him.

"Since you know about my unending habit and unexplained need to take nude pictures, do you mind if-"

"No, Dirk! You're not going to take pictures of my sister while she's changing and expect me to keep quiet!"

Dirk was silent but after a small moment he mumbled something under his breathe.

"I was going to say in the shower..."

"Jesus Christ, Dirk!"

* * *

"Hey."

"Hey, loser."

Todd opened the door for his beloved sister and had the urge to shut it tight before her obnoxious friends followed her inside. Of course, for the sake of Amanda, he didn't. "How was the drive here?"

"Quick," She replied without eye contact, unzipping her jacket. Todd had given up on asking her to hang it up because that would mean taking it off. That also meant taking off her newly made dignity and mark. "Are you crazy?" She'd yell at his face and the Rowdy 3 would, as if on cue, turn their heads, making sure that she was alright... in a rather hungry way.

"Where's Dirk?" She asked.

"Oh he's-"

"I'm here!" Dirk stumbled behind Todd, his hands softly placing themselves on Todd's right shoulder. One time Dirk placed his head on Todd's own head as if it was normal. Of course, it didn't go unnoticed.

"So, who was bottom this time?"

"Him, of cour-"

"Shut up," Todd said a little too quickly. Dirk just smiled at the joke that he played along with.

Amanda snickered and helped herself and her minions to the fridge. Todd slowly took Dirk's wrist and before taking his palms off his shoulder, Todd brought himself closer to Dirk's face. Dirk, not flustered, brought his face closer to Todd, craning his head. Todd stopped, a couple of centimeters away.

"What?" Dirk whispered, a curious brow raised.

Todd gritted his teeth, continuously moving to look at both of Dirk's awaiting eyes. He could say it, he honestly could, his feelings. Although thoughts and common sense brought themselves, uninvited, into his mind and he continued to bring Dirk's hands off of him. Dirk looked and tilted his head with disappointment and questions. "Don't-"

"Don't what?" Dirk repeated, as if afraid that Todd wouldn't finish.

"Don't take pictures of Amanda when she's naked."

Dirk scoffed. "I can't help it, Todd! You of all people should know that!"

"Well, you'll have to, Dirk!" He raised his voice and stomped off.

Dirk's eyes widened. He never liked it when Todd did that; raise his voice at him. This time, it was weird because he didn't know the reason why Todd yelled this time. He felt the eyes digging through his back and before Amanda could ask, he ran out of the apartment like a child.

* * *

"OPEN THE DOOR, YOU DICK!"

"No, Amanda!"

"UUUUGH!" She slammed her fist and started sobbing, "Dirk has killed himself, you idiot!"

The door slammed open to reveal a disdained Todd. "WHAT?"

"Hah," Amanda crossed her arms and a smirk crawled onto her face. "Dirk taught me."

Before Todd can slam the door, Amanda's foot squeezed itself like a wedge. "Todd."

"You're so stubborn, Amanda!"

"I learned from the best."

Todd turned his head to glance at her and her smirk was still set in place but something softer was behind her eyes.

"You should totally go to him."

"Are you quoting movies now?"

"And what movie would that be?"

Todd opened his mouth but then laughed. "I hate you."

"It's mutual, dude."

In the living room, Todd can hear Amanda's recently new roommates cheering in the living room... and some banging and cracking which Todd was so used to now.

* * *

 **Notes:**

Thank you for reading this as well. It wasn't as... sexual as the last chapter but it seemed meaningful enough. A little too sweet, I admit.

Thank you for bearing with me and continue to read.

* * *

 ** _Next Chapter Preview:_**

 _There was a loud knock on the door and Dirk wondered if it was Todd. Then he shook his head as he told himself that that's just wishful thinking._

 _"Dirk!"_

 _Wishful thinking answered! Dirk rushed to the door and swallowed, making sure that he didn't look excited as he opened the door. He could not say anything though since Todd's arms wrapped around his mouth and shoulders so it was hard to do so._

 _"T-Todd?" He mumbled through his arm._

 _"Dirk," He seemed breathless as he said this, "Dirk, I have to tell you something."_


End file.
